To my dear apprentice, Rodolfo Valentino,
Here is mine answer to thy plea to impart to thee the secret to making thy woman loyal to thee.
This is how it should be done, if thou wish thy woman not to forget thine face, that for every time she spies thine lips, she shall shudder in the hips.
[Girls, be considerate and shampoo it, soap it, or there won’t be a next time. If the guy doesn’t complain of an overly odorous snack, you must fear him, for he is immune to lack of hygiene, and may suffer from the same.]
With deliberate ceremony, pull her knickers down, while thou run thine tongue over her creamy navel. Once her bush manifests itself, bury your kisser on it as if thou were rolling on the grassy hill and smelling the daisies.
[Gently direct his head lower and lower, by touching your soft finger tips on his cheeks. Don’t be like Xena, the Warrior Princess, and grab him by the hair. Let him navigate your depths in his own sweet time.]
Civilly part the round, firm legs of thy damsel, planting the seeds of lust by hot breath and warm moisture on those, ah, sweet toned inner thighs. Then, adroitly separate the hairs covering her hidden bud with thine cautious digits, the most erogenous of the gems of Venus, making it see the light of day.
[Don’t just spread your legs, darling. Allow for some mystery, anticipation, by letting him savor the sights of your virginal curves then beg you, with voice and hand, to open sesame.]
Now my apprentice, kiss, I say, kiss with puckered lips her bud, known in scientific and academic circles as the clitoris. Lather it with thy saliva. Bring out thy tongue and press it on her bud in circular motions, for nerves concentrate round it. Gently now, lest thou break her reverie.
[Don’t talk too much, or be branded a porn-vid skank. Practice your most whispering, airy, and sweet voiced oohs and ahhs. That sound he will only find from you.]
Now, son, descend on her flower of Venus. With thy manicured digits open her, ooh, tender and moistening labial folds. Simultaneously caress her buttocks, hips, and bosom at thy leisure. Slide thy moist hot tongue shallowly at first, then venture forth into her depths as if you were a canine caressing your fur. Alternate thy ministrations from vagina to clitoris at varying pressures and speeds.
[Compliment this boy as he does you good work. One-liners will do. Tell him to go faster when you are already coming. Massage his hair, give him a show and mash your breasts.]
Upon hearing her urgent pleas, quicken thy kissing of the sacred bud! Let thy tongue vibrate on it, if she presses thy head let her be. She is in ecstasy due to thy lingual dexterity. She will quake all over. Be a good lad, that when she pushes you away, leave her be. Wipe thy mouth and kiss her on her cheek, and say, “I love you, baby.”
[When you come, don’t smother his face on your beaver, unless he’s a freak. If he swallows your pubic hair, he might regret the technique and say goodbye to oral sex.]
So, my apprentice, do this and thou art the most unforgettable of her lover, and she may swear fealty to thee. Remember this, greater love no man hath than this, to lay down one’s tongue for one’s friend. The tongue gives us the gift of speech, but it can make one beseech for more tongue.
P.S. Next time I will orient thee on the arts of delayed ejaculation, so that thou be the master over thy lazy member, which I may dub as the Limp Biscuit.